Honeymoons are for the Lucky
by Michelle285
Summary: What will make Clarisse finally agree to take a honeymoon with Joe? Or will she do it at all?


_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not even the title! It comes from _The Dick Van Dyke Show_._

_ A/N: I never thought I'd do this, but I've been reading a lot of fanfics about this couple and I was inspired and I just had to. This idea has been done, I'm sure, but hopefully you'll find my spin on it original. I'm also including Mia, because though I'm not an Anne Hathaway fan, I'm a big Mia fan! In my story, Mia has been Queen for about two months. Enjoy!_

Mia sighed and closed her eyes. She rested her head on the back of the tall desk chair that her grandmother used to sit in when she ruled the country. She admired her grandmother's stamina more and more every day. She didn't know how she did it.

"Alright, Princess?"

Mia smiled. She knew who it was. He was the only one who still called her Princess. "Just tired, Joe."

Joe smiled at one of his two favorite girls. "Can I interest you in a walk through the garden?"

"You're kidding, right?" When Joe looked confused, Mia elaborated. "The one time Grandma isn't here ruling over my shoulder and you want to walk with me in the garden rather than being with her?"

Joe couldn't help it, he laughed. As an answer, he just shrugged his shoulders.

Mia didn't know why he wasn't with her grandmother, but knew if he wasn't, it must be urgent. It couldn't be too pressing though since he didn't seem panicked so she smiled. "Who am I to turn down a walk in the garden with a handsome man?"

"Careful, Princess," Joe cautioned. "We wouldn't want Clarisse to get jealous, now would we?"

Mia laughed out loud. She thought about how good it felt to laugh in abandon. It had been so long, two months at least, since she had been able to do that. She got up and put her arm in Joe's. "Let's go."

-%

Mia sighed and rested her head on Joe's right shoulder. The sunset was beautiful. "The garden is so pretty this time of night."

Joe nodded, but said nothing.

"Thanks for bringing me out here and getting me away from the paperwork for a bit," Mia said. She was hoping that was going to help prompt him into telling her exactly _why _he wanted this stroll.

"It wasn't entirely for your enjoyment," Joe admitted. "I had some ulterior motives."

"I know," Mia assured him, lifting her head and looking at him. "I consider myself a generally bright person, so I'm assuming they have to do with Grandma?"

"You're smart," Joe agreed. Mia knew that was his way of telling her she was right.

"I'm so sorry, Joe," Mia apologized.

"For what?" Joe wondered.

"If I hadn't been such a rotten princess and if I had paid better attention during princess and queen lessons—rather than 'sassing my grandma'—maybe she would feel I was ready to rule, without her help," Mia clarified.

Joe rushed to Mia's defense. "You were _not _a rotten princess! That's not what I was implying."

"I didn't act like a princess should act," Mia pointed out, repeating what she had heard Clarisse tell her many times.

"You were young. You were in a new situation in a new country with a new identity," Joe told her. "I was impressed with you."

Mia smiled. "You're easy."

"You're doing amazingly running the country now," Joe said. "The people love you, as does Parliament."

"I wish Grandma could see that," Mia mused.

"I think she does," Joe said. "It's just she's been Queen of Genovia so long, she's having trouble letting go."

Mia squinted her eyes, studying Joe. "She didn't even let you take her on a honeymoon, did she?"

Joe shook his head. He had asked after they got married, but she wanted to wait until she was sure Mia was doing okay. Mia was doing fabulous, but Clarisse still refused.

"Good grief!" Mia exclaimed. "We'll have to fix that!"

Joe smiled. "That was what I was counting on."

Mia suddenly knew why he wanted to walk with her in the garden. He wanted her to try and talk to her grandmother. She had no problems with that. She wanted her grandmother off her back too. She wanted her to go have fun with Joe. "Okay, I'll talk to her tonight. You did ask her though, right?" When Joe nodded, Mia continued, "Why did she say no? I'm positive it had something to do with me so I need to know so I can counter the points she made."

"She wanted to make sure you were ready to rule without help," Joe explained. "She wanted see examples of you diplomatically dealing with Parliament, handling trade agreements and helping people who came to see you—no chasing chickens or other small animals."

Mia exaggeratedly sighed. "I chased one chicken! What else did she say?"

"Nothing," Joe lied, looking away from Mia.

Mia rolled her eyes. "You're a horrible liar. I have to know everything so I can make sure she takes that honeymoon you want!"

Joe narrowed his eyes, but knew she was telling the truth. This was the part that Clarisse would use if Mia didn't address it. "She said you felt more comfortable with her there."

"I did," Mia admitted. "I said that the first week though! Now she's suffocating me! I'll never be an effective Queen if she's always ruling over my shoulder."

As they were getting closer to the palace, Joe saw Clarisse. "It looks like she's waiting for you."

Mia nodded. "I'll talk to her. I would love for you two to get a month long honeymoon, but I know she won't agree to that. I won't settle for anything less than two weeks though…somewhere other than here so she won't feel like she has to check up on me. Deal?"

Joe kissed Mia on the cheek. "I owe you one, Princess."

"I owe you a thousand," Mia said, completely serious. "I'll never be able to pay you back."

-%

"Where have you been?"

Mia knew her grandmother was addressing her and not Joe, so she answered. "We went for a walk in the garden. It's beautiful during sunset."

"I have to go see Shades," Joe suddenly announced.

Mia tried not to roll her eyes at the lack of subtlety he possessed.

Clarisse too, looked shocked at his sudden proclamation. "Why?"

"He's having some trouble with David, the new intern, and he wants to know how I dealt with Lionel. Not that I did that very well."

"Since I don't have any dealings outside the palace tomorrow he's going to let David be my security," Mia told Joe. "It should be…interesting. He's a very eager intern."

Clarisse chuckled. "He sounds exactly like Lionel."

"'Your Majesty, I would gladly take a bullet for you,'" Joe intoned in his best imitation of Lionel.

Clarisse put a hand over her heart in an exaggerated gesture of appreciation. "Oh, how brave."

Mia laughed. "He said that!"

"While leaning very close to me," Clarisse said.

The smile was still on Mia's face. "How funny! Most interns won't even get me something to drink."

Clarisse smiled at her granddaughter. "My words exactly."

As Joe left the room, Clarisse turned to Mia. "How did things go with Parliament today?"

"Fine," Mia assured her grandmother. She would've given her details, but right now, she had bigger fish to fry. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course," Clarisse agreed.

Mia tried to hide her smirk, knowing Clarisse wouldn't be so accommodating if she knew the question that was going to come out of Mia's mouth. "How come you haven't let Joe take you on a honeymoon?"

Clarisse's eyes widened. "I beg your pardon!"

"You'll have been married two months tomorrow and you still haven't correctly celebrated…well, I mean by going somewhere." Mia's eyes twinkled. "Though some of us wish you had been gone the first few nights after you got married."

"Amelia!" Clarisse admonished.

"Sorry, sorry!" Mia quickly apologized. If she was going to get her grandmother out of the palace making her angry was not the way to go about it. "Bad joke!"

"That is why I can't go," Clarisse told her granddaughter, willing the redness in her face to quickly diminish.

Mia decided to play dumb. "Because I make bad jokes?"

Clarisse rolled her eyes. "Because you are not ready to rule a country all by yourself. You need help knowing the proper protocol in dealing with all types of people."

"Right, because all those Queen lessons didn't do anything," Mia said sarcastically.

"They were very tame," Clarisse said. "There is much more to ruling a country."

"Oh, come on, Grandma!" Mia cried. "A sheep got loose in the throne room yesterday and I didn't chase it. I have found it more times than I've lost it in the past two months—and that's saying something! I never rush after anyone or anything; I always hasten, I never cross my legs in public—or at all anymore really. I have learned how to correctly use a fan _and_ ride side saddle after that horrible incident with Herbie. I dance better than some of our eligible bachelors and I always walk with perfect posture and my head held high. Most members of Parliament love me and I've successfully negotiated trade agreements with France and England…and I didn't hold much hope for England after Andrew."

"Mia you are still not—" Clarisse began.

"Yes, I am!" Mia interrupted. She just had to make her grandmother go with Joe. "I love having you here and trust me, I will always need your help and I hope you will always be willing to help me. But _I'm_ the queen! I have to look good in front of our people. The people are never going to respect me as a ruler if you're always here…ruling over my shoulder, as I call it. They need to see me ruling by myself and making decisions without your help. I have to make my own mistakes. At least, that's what you said at your wedding."

"What if I promise to watch from afar for a couple of months?" Clarisse tried to bargain.

Mia bit her lip. "I know I won't get very far without compromising, but I don't want to do that on this. Tomorrow you and Joe will have been married for two months. The best gift he could ask for is for you to agree to go on a honeymoon."

Mia could see Clarisse still wasn't convinced, so she tried again. "Joe is an amazing, wonderful, caring, patient man. He's never asked you for much, if anything, as long as he's been your head of security. He's been content to do everything you ask, walk one step behind you, walk through fire and back if he even thought it might make you smile…he was prepared to give up his life for you every single time you walked out of those palace doors! He would've taken a bullet for you without a second thought and not because that was his job. He loves you _so much_, Grandma. All he wants is for you to go somewhere with him so that he can have you to himself for two weeks. Is that too much to ask? Don't you love him enough to give him that?"

Mia's words hit Clarisse in the heart. It was true. Joseph did anything and everything for her, always, and she could never repay him for what he had done. He waited patiently for her, always tried to make her feel better on days she was down, protected her no matter what, married her even after she had been horrible to him and tried to be understanding during these past few months when she was trying to help Mia as Queen. He deserved more than a two week honeymoon, but in true Joseph fashion, he was asking for so little.

Mia didn't know what was running through her grandmother's head and had no idea whether it was good or bad. She decided to say one last thing. These words may make her grandmother angry, but Mia knew it was something she needed to hear. "I am the reigning Queen of Genovia. I can order you to go on a honeymoon with Joe, but I don't want to do that. Joe doesn't want me to do that. He doesn't want you to go just because you feel obligated to. He wants you to want to go; I want you to want to go. I hope you do, Grandma, because if you don't, I have to wonder if you really even love him."

Clarisse closed her eyes as Mia walked out of the room. She hoped Joseph didn't think she didn't love him. Because she did, so much.

-%

Lying in bed the next morning, Clarisse felt a kiss on her temple and then on her earlobe. She kept her eyes closed and smiled. She had meant to talk to Joseph last night when he got back from talking to Shades, but she must've fallen asleep. A quick glance at her alarm clock showed her it was 10:00. Perfect. She could tell him that she had decided to go on a honeymoon and they could spent the rest of the morning celebrating her declaration.

She bit her lip to stifle any sounds as Joe kissed her behind her ear and gently peppered kisses down her neck. As he began to nip and suck on her pulse point, a shiver snaked down her spine.

Joe felt her shiver. "You're awake."

"Mmmm, not if that means this stops," Clarisse teased.

Joe grabbed her by the shoulder and rolled her over to face him. He cupped her face and brought his lips down to hers. He traced her lips with his tongue and her mouth opened to him on a soft moan. After he had kissed her for a few seconds…minutes…days, he lost all track of time when it came to Clarisse, he pulled back.

She smiled. "On the other hand, maybe I should've woken up much earlier."

Joe chuckled. He kissed the tip of her nose. "As much as I would like to continue this, it's 10:00."

Clarisse nodded. "I know."

"A.M." Joe clarified. "In the morning."

Clarisse sat up in bed and tried to stop the smile that was threatening. "I know."

"Why aren't you jumping out of bed?" Joe asked. "Don't you have a meeting with the Princess?"

At that, Clarisse did smile. The smile wasn't so much about the decision she made last night but more about the fact that he still referred to her granddaughter as "The Princess." She knew it had nothing to do with her royal title and more to do with how he felt about Mia.

"I did," Clarisse agreed.

Joe noticed the use of the past tense. He knew there was something going on that he wasn't aware of, and after being the head of security and knowing all the happenings in the palace for so long, he didn't take kindly to being left out of the loop. "I give up. Why don't you have a meeting with the Princess anymore?"

Clarisse heard the annoyance, but couldn't help but tease him just a bit more. "Joseph, if you insist, I'll have that meeting with Mia. I thought you would be happy that I cancelled it. You see, today begins our month long honeymoon." Clarisse tried not to laugh at the look of shock on Joseph's face. "I was thinking Paris…maybe Spain. Thoughts?"

A surprised yelp escaped Clarisse as Joseph pushed her back on the bed and attacked her lips. After a few minutes of eagerly participating in the kiss, Clarisse pulled back. "I assume you approve of my cancellation of the meeting?"

As Joseph began to assault her neck with the same fervor as he used on her lips, he managed to growl, "Most definitely."

-%

Mia looked up as she heard someone enter her office. "Hey, Joe."

"May I request an audience with you?" Joe asked.

Ignoring the strangeness of the request—Mia hoped everything had gone okay and her grandmother had mentioned the honeymoon—Mia agreed. "Of course. Here or in the throne room?"

"Here will be fine."

"Public or private?"

"Private would be preferred."

Everyone immediately moved to vacate the room. All, that is, but David, Mia's security for the day.

When Mia noticed David wasn't moving, she looked over toward him. "Private audience, David."

"With all due respect, Your Majesty, you can't dismiss your security," David said.

Mia worked hard to hold in her eye roll, but couldn't quite contain the sarcasm that slipped into her voice. "Of course, because Joe might shoot me."

Hearing her say it out loud, David realized how ridiculous that sounded. He knew of Joe's prestigious role in the palace, even before he married the former Queen, but he still didn't feel right leaving the reigning Queen alone. He may only be an intern, but he was sure that wasn't done.

"Someone could get in here," David tried.

"Because there's no security around the palace," Mia countered.

"Ma'am—" David started.

"David!" Mia cut in, getting up from her chair. "I appreciate your concern for my safety, but nothing is going to happen. Joe would never hurt me, much less _let_ anything or anyone hurt me. If someone does manage to get past all the security on the palace and get in here, Joe was the head of security for…ever. I think he could handle it."

Mia started to lead David toward the door. David tried his last resort. "Shades…"

"Shades will not get mad at you for leaving me with Joe. I promise," Mia assured the young intern. "If he does, I'll speak with him."

Finally, David left. Mia turned toward Joe and had to contain a squeal when Joe unexpectedly enveloped her in a hug. "If you don't want David to come back in here guns blazing you probably should be more careful about that in the future," Mia teased.

"Sorry, Princess," Joe apologized, moving back.

Mia smiled. "Not that I was objecting. I take it Grandma agreed to go on the honeymoon?"

"Not only that, but she said a month," Joe told Mia.

"Shut up!" Mia exclaimed. "I mean…"

Joe waved his hand, excusing her word choice. "Between you and me, I rather like the use of 'shut up' to convey excitement."

Mia laughed. "Me too, but Grandma—and Parliament—probably wouldn't."

Joe shrugged. "Clarisse told that snake Arthur Mabry to shut up once, in a meeting of Parliament."

"She didn't!" Mia exclaimed. She tried not to laugh at Joe's referral to Viscount Mabry. She knew Joe had issues with him, mostly because he was trying to steal the crown and was hurting his girls.

"When he brought up the marriage law," Joe elaborated. "The Prime Minister had to explain what 'shut up' meant in America."

Mia giggled. She decided it would be in her best interest not to mention that she had been listening in on that meeting. If she was going to tell anyone, Joe would be the person to tell, but even though she knew he loved her, he was loyal to her grandmother first and always. "Go Grandma!"

"For what?" Clarisse asked, entering the room.

Mia bit her lip and quickly made a decision to lie. She figured her grandmother wouldn't like it if Mia knew she used the phrase 'shut up' in a meeting of Parliament, nor would she appreciate Joe being the informant (even though Mia did already know). "For agreeing to go on a honeymoon with Joe."

"I guess she just loves me," Joe teased.

Clarisse looked at him. "I do, you know."

Mia's eyes widened. "Okay, okay, don't get gross." When she saw her joking words had no effect on them she began to walk towards the door. "Or at least let me leave the room before you do!"

When Clarisse heard the door shut behind her granddaughter she turned to fully look at Joe. "I'm sorry if I made you think I don't."

Joe shook his head. "I know you do. You wouldn't have married me if you didn't."

"I'm sorry if you think I love Genovia more than you," Clarisse amended. When Joe had nothing to say to that, she knew she had hit it. "There are two things in this world that I love more than Genovia. Mia…and you." Clarisse brought her hand up to cup his cheek. "Always you."

Joe took her hand in his and pressed it to his heart. "Perfect! I love the Princess and you more than Genovia too."

Clarisse laughed. She knew he meant that, but also knew he didn't have the sense of duty or love to Genovia that came with being a ruler. It wasn't that he didn't love Genovia, she knew he did, he just didn't have it ingrained into him at a young and tender age as she did. "Good. Then we're even."

"About what you said this morning, about where we should go for our honeymoon…" Joe trailed off.

"Suggestions?" Clarisse asked.

Joe shook his head. "I don't really care. Not as long as I'm with you."

Clarisse sighed. After everything she had been through, everything she had done to Joe in the past few months, she didn't know how she deserved such a great man. "I love you."

Joe took the hand that was pressed to his heart and kissed the back of it and then the sensitive skin of her wrist. He pulled her into a hug and, before he gave into the strong temptation to gently kiss her earlobe, he whispered, "I love you too. So much." 

_ Hmm, the end may be too tame, but I kind of like it. After all, they are in Mia's office. I don't see Clarisse being a huge fan of PDA, regardless of how much she does love Joe. Also, she's very private with her emotions and I feel like this is stretching it just a tad. I hope you liked my second attempt at a Princess Diaries story (hopefully slightly better than the first?) and I hope you'll review and tell me what you liked and what you didn't. As I said earlier, the title comes from _The Dick Van Dyke Show _(a truly amazing show with a truly horrendous pilot). For those of you who are Julie fans you may remember Dick Van Dyke in _Mary _Poppins… You should watch an episode of _The Dick Van Dyke Show _(not the pilot!)…after you review! Thanks for reading! _


End file.
